Stranded Alone
Life after my surgery in 2011 was challenging.
The effect of my surgery was having to take anti-seizure medicine. This medicine caused depression which made me feel really suicidal. I felt useless. I felt like I had no purpose. I was devastated without being allowed to drive with my history of seizures. I could not do anything on my own. The only thing I could do was focus on school and try to do good in school. Whenever I did not do good in school, the one thing I could control, I felt hopeless. How could I go on?
Eventually, my seizures came back. No one believed me. Everyone would only call them SMTs (strange mind things) because everyone thought I was insane. They figured that since the doctors had removed the tumor, I would not have any more seizures. How could anyone understand? No one believed that I was having weird SMTs before my surgery, and they are still not believing me after my surgery! I would have these moments where I suddenly did not know where I was or who anyone was (I did not even recognize my own parents). I felt lost and confused. I felt these ways usually after my seizures because after a seizure, one does not know anything. I didn't know English after a seizure; I did not know who anyone was; I did not know where I was.
Part of me enjoyed the seizures though. I would get away from all the stresses in life, get away from the boundaries, get away from the dramatic emotions and anxiety. I would not feel alone during a seizure because I did not know anyone, so I would not feel like anyone was leaving me. No one would believe me when I was consciously there, so I just wanted to escape in the zone of my seizures and become clueless of everything.